I take recapping award shows very seriously, which is why I re-watched most of the 2012 Oscars earlier this morning. Some people (oh, the horror!) don’t watch the Academy Awards, and they need to get the dirt from somewhere. I’m nobody’s PR beotch, so I write the truth, and to sum up this years Oscars in one word, I’d have to say the show was overstuffed. The 2012 Oscars were completely overstuffed with non-relavant music, television and movie stars (Justin Bieber, for Pete’s sake?), overstuffed with drawn-out presenter gimmicks (JLo and Cameron Diaz’s asses, really?) and overstuffed with everything from random shots of popcorn girls to extended nominee film footage (not everyone thought ‘Bridesmaids’ was funny, let alone Oscar worthy). The only thing not overstuffed on this award show was the acceptance speeches, as most were shockingly slim and trim. If only I could say the same about so many other moments I was forced to view …
That isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy anything about last night’s show–I did. Even though I’m not exactly old, I enjoyed watching Billy Crystal host the show. I’m always a fan of the quick shots when an actor loses a category, and I love checking out all the ladies fashions. I’ll be doing my own red carpet recap below, too. The best part of the show for me is always the acceptance speeches, and if you read my earlier blog post today, Octavia Spencer Shines at the Oscars During Her Best Supporting Actress Acceptance Speech, I’m sure you’ll agree with me.
RED CARPET:
The Good
Even though I can’t stand her as a celebrity anymore (still a good actress), I have to admit Angelina Jolie looked good. I just wish she wouldn’t have worn that darn Burnt Sienna lipstick. Honey, it is ok to step away from red lips sometimes.
Octavia Spencer glowed in her off white gown that fit her to a T. Her hair looked great, and I enjoyed her choice of earrings, too. Later, you will see that I rant about ladies wearing light colors on the red carpet, but Octavia’s dress works because it fit her, and since her skin is a rich, beautiful color, she manages to not get that washed out look, like so many others stars do.
Emma Stone is just so darn cute and spunky, isn’t she? I love a red gown, and I’m so glad she wore it. Barely anyone took a chance with boldness last night, which was very disappointing to me.
I loved Milla Jojovich gown, even though it was white and I normally don’t care for light gowns at red carpet events. It glows so much, and is so finely made that it doesn’t suffer the chance of fading into the background. I’m not thrilled with her hair, but the bracelet, the ring, and the gown together really do it for me.
I loved Ellie Kemper’s gown, but she needed to side sweep those long bangs, and get rid of the dark rimmed lip liner, circa 1998. Why couldn’t have Angelina Jolie loaned her some of her Burnt Sienna lipstick?
The Bad
Gwyneth Paltrow has already suffered enough from that poor-fitting pink dress. No need to further slam her here. Actually, I will say if she took off her cape, she would have looked a lot better. And, I like the very sparkly (and probably real) diamond bangle.
Jessica Chastain would have made my good list if only her dress wasn’t gold and black. Not only am I am bored by black, but somehow, this color combo didn’t work for me, it looks cheap or something. I will say that her hair and makeup looked fabulous!
Judy Greer, I hate to tell you this, but when you wear a stripe down the center, you have to make sure it lines up with your hoo-ha. I also needed a bolder lip and a smile from her. At least her hair looked good!
Sandra Bullock rarely wears her hair the right way, and it kills me. She has nice hair–why not use it. Not only do I think this dress is boring, you can see a seam on her lift hip that looks like it is going to burst (or already had) the moment she tries to take a piss.
Jennifer Lopez represents every woman on the red carpet who went demure, plain, and therefore safe. I want boldness and color, not delicate. Same goes for you Cameron Diaz, Kristen Wiig, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Berenice Bejo, and countless others.
Penelope Cruz looks like a tired 1950′s housewife. Why? My gosh, isn’t she married to the fabulous Javier Bardem? Don’t even get me started on her hairstyle.
Natalie Portman is so beautiful, and yet she could not have picked a worse looking dress. Even though her gown was from the 1950′s, she didn’t pull off the housewives look with those mismatched diamonds around her neck. Perhaps she would have worked it better with some high-end white or cream pearls.
Meryl Streep, shame on you–I can see your bra. I’m not a big fan of gold dresses in general, but this gown would have worked on her if the top had been tighter. She still looked good, despite the bra boo-boo.
Roony Mara is channeling Lara Flynn Boyle’s Oscar look. Didn’t like it them, so of course, I don’t like seeing it again here. What is up with all these severe red lips and heavy bangs? It doesn’t look good at all.
The Ugly
I love Viola Davis, and felt very sad that she didn’t win for her role of Aibileen in ‘The Help.’ That being said, I have to tell you (even though it hurts me to write this) that I hated the way she looked last night–and it has nothing to do with showing off her natural hair. I hate dresses that flaunt a double bubble (armpit fat) and that whole square boob look doesn’t do it for me. Plus, the dress looks a smidge too light. The worst part of her look is her face–she either has jaundice, which I seriously doubt, or she pulled a Charlize Theron and got herself a bad spray tan. After the way Davis wowed me in her lovely white and gold SAG dress, I am utterly saddened and disappointed by her choice of gown.
Stacy Keibler looks like a big vanilla ice cream cone. Plain toenails, plain makeup and plain hair along with a safe colored dress. How boring. Plus, her dress looks weird, with the big swirl and the way too tight bottom.
Since I am considered more of a big girl than a skinny girl, I feel bad for Melissa McCarthy, I know she had to have been challenged by the lack of gown options out there. If the dress had fit better, or at least had been pressed, or even a different color, I wouldn’t have had to put her on the ugly list, but my gosh, her gown needed to be pressed, and her sleeves, which were way too long, just looked ridiculous. Plus, she didn’t deserve to be on the red carpet in the first place, as her performance was so not Oscar worthy to me.
I can not stand Michelle Williams look in general, but I just hate everything about this outfit, including the cheap looking pink purse with her (allegedly) naughty bottle of alcohol inside it. The lipstick clashes with the weird choice of gown color, and the necklace and the bow pin don’t work at all. To quote Hannibal Lector, “you look like a rube.”
Busy Phillips looked like the part of a goofy teenager, instead of the woman she is. While her makeup and hair looked nice, her gown was a frilly and boring gray disaster. When you throw in those pink shoes, and the beaded bracelet, her outfit just screams clueless. While the earrings don’t work, I did like them–but never for an event as glamorous as the Oscars. Damn girl, can’t you and your BFF Michelle hire a stylist?
Why was Anna Faris even at the Oscars? She looked dumb with that old woman haircut and old woman dress. Like what granny from the Beverly Hillbillies would wear, if she was invited to a fancy event such as the Oscars. My god, if only Anna had worn glasses, lol!
Rose Byrne bored me in black. Worse, she looked like she sucked on a lemon … the same lemon for the past year. She looks like Victoria Principal, only older and more miserable. Damn, girl, put a smile on that face by eating a cheeseburger. You were lucky to be in a movie that stunk, but that everyone thought was hilarious.
Maya Rudolph looked horrific. Horrific. OMG, she is sooo making the Fashion Police’s Worst Dressed List tonight.
ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES:
Octavia Spencer
I enjoyed her speech so much that I had to write a separate blog post about it. Please go check it out here.
Christopher Plummer
I’ve not yet seen ‘Beginners’ but I know the man who played my beloved Captain Von Trapp deserved to win this Oscar. He had one of the best lines during the speeches, when he said “You’re only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all of my life?” Plus, he called my movie star boyfriend (Ewan McGregor) a superb artist, which he is. I can not wait to see what looks like an amazing film.
Meryl Streep
As they say, the third times a charm. Who doesn’t love Meryl Streep? I loved that she still manages to be genuine and humble, even after 17 nominations. Some of my favorite quips from her speech were “I really understand that I’ll never be up here again.” and “Oh, no. Her. Again. But, whatever!” So cool she thanked her husband first, so the music wouldn’t ruin it, and that she thanked her hairstylist, whose been with her all these years.
Alexander Payne
While I’m glad he won for ‘The Descendants,’ nothing is sweeter to me than when a man thanks his mamma during his Oscars acceptance speech. I loved that he told the whole story of how his mother insisted he thank her just like Javier Bardem did for his mother. In case you haven’t already seen ‘The Descendants,’ the movie is coming to Blue-ray and DVD on March 13.
NOMINEES & PRESENTERS:
Michelle Williams
Not only did she look bad in her gown, she looked worse when she got caught not being able to hide her disappointment when she didn’t win for her work in ‘My Week With Marilyn.’ Honey, you were never a serious contender–look who you were up against. Besides, no one can truly buy your performance because you don’t look like Marilyn at all. You may be a good actress, but you weren’t even willing to gain weight? For shame.
Jonah Hill
I loved that the camera guys caught Jonah looking mad that he didn’t win. Brad, too. Spare me–you are a boy in a man’s world. Plus, even though you transformed yourself (basically) overnight physically, you refused to admit you got major lipo, a tummy tuck, gastric bypass surgery, or any combo of the three while doing press for your film. Nobody is a fool–we know you cheated, and really, we don’t blame you. Just admit it, and we could forget it.
Sandra Bullock
The whole German thing bugged me, sorry. I have no explanation–but do I really need to, when half the room was filled with Jews. Who there really wants to hear a German voice? I don’t, but then again, I’m still horrified by the holocaust.
OSCAR HIGHLIGHTS & LOWLIGHTS:
Billy Crystal
While I expected more from Billy Crystal last night, I do realize he was a replacement host, and had less time to prepare. While I wasn’t all that into the opening film montage Billy whipped up, little moments still made me laugh out loud, such as when Billy asks George Clooney to “Say Batman for me. It’ll help.” or when he yells out “Have fun storming the Führer!” Billy did manage to have the best awkward moment of the night, when he was doing all those celebrity thoughts and came to Nick Nolte. That “Blaaaaahhh” was bad, but it was still awesome.
Video Footage
Billy’s one liners during the movie montage was fun, but for every ‘Princess Bride’ or ‘When Harry Met Sally’ moment, did they have to throw in lines from random vampire and summer popcorn movies? You can’t please everyone all the time, you know! Even worse, for every Morgan Freeman and Barbra Streisand talking about seeing their first films, you manage to thrown in randoms like Adam Sandler? Ugh, those moments were so unsettling when they were desperately just trying to be fun.
Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber at the Oscars? Spare me.
Sexual Overtones
While I am no prude, I don’t understand why people continue to think that sex sells EVERYTHING, including the Oscars. A little hint future Oscar writers and producers–I tuned out and felt a little disgusted every single time you had one of ‘Bridesmaids’ make a dick joke, or when you forced Billy to go ghetto, as when he said “Maybe Oscar will be laying George tonight.” I’m not sure if the butt buddies JLo and Cameron Diaz moment was unscripted, but either way, it looked pathetic. We’ve all seen their butts enough for one lifetime. The nip slip drama isn’t even worth mentioning in detail, sigh.
Spray Tans
Back in the day, I once paid $10 bucks to get a spray tan, which I instantly regretted. I laughed my butt off when Friends did the whole spray tan thing with Ross. And I endured two seasons of Sunset Tan, mainly to make fun of everyone. In this day and age, I don’t understand why stars insist on getting spray tans that look fake. Or worse, when celebrities who desperately need one refuse to get one. Even Tom Hanks was sporting a tan last night. All of the pale and orange glows was utterly distracting.
Witty Banter
Nothing is worse than when a celebrity can’t pull off written witty banter at an awards show. I think Gwyneth and Robert Downey Jr. were the worst offenders at all, but those ‘Bridesmaids’ sure came close to winning this honor.
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