Book Review: Side By Side by Dr. Charles Sophy

Photo courtesy of HarperOne

Side By Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communications was an amazing book, and I hope all you mothers (and stepmothers like me) will read this book review and consider buying a copy for yourself.  We could all use a little more help in parenting our children, don’t you think?  I was thrilled when I received my review copy of this book in the mail; not only do I enjoy reading psychology books, but I love learning as much as I can about the mental well-being of children and families.  For instance, I started subscribing to Parenting magazine when I was still living in the dorms at college.  Back then I was majoring in Educational Telecommunications, and I took as many psychology and sociology classes as I possibly could.  You see, I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive home under the watchful thumb of Mr. Zachary, my mother’s social worker, so I knew I had to work hard to learn how to never repeat the mistakes my mother did.  I wanted to break that cycle and learn how to do things right.  I may not have my own flesh and blood, but I am a stepmom to two wonderful kids, one being a teenage girl who at times is hard to talk to.  I knew I could learn something from this book to better communicate with her, and thank goodness I did, because last night my step-daughter and I had a great talk about money and for once she understood I wasn’t just lecturing her, I was simply trying to save her years of grief.  By using the truth, we managed to have one of the best talks we ever had, and it was because of Dr. Charles Sophy and his book.

I feel my readers will like this book for several reasons, one being the book is easy to read and you don’t have to have years of psychology classes under your belt to understand what he is telling you to do.  Dr. Sophy shares story after story of real-life conflicts he has encountered, which I personally feel is a great way for mothers who have troubled relationships with their own daughters to realize they are not alone.  All mothers experience conflict with their daughter, but not all women can confide in their friends, which makes me feel bad for those people.  Every mother I know with a teenage girl has expressed their frustration and pain to me about the conflict they face with their child, and this makes me feel horrible because I realize there are women out there who have no one to talk about their child rearing problems.  Some people (maybe even most these days) can’t afford family counseling or aren’t able to get their children or even husbands on board to do it in the first place.  Therefore, I feel this book is an affordable solution for those mothers to help their families survive and thrive.  I know the practical exercises and skills that Dr. Sophy writes about can be obtained with hard work and determination.  Everyone knows being a mother is hard work, so why wouldn’t all you mothers out there want to benefit from some help with your most important job?

Side by Side isn’t for the faint of heart, as Dr. Sophy lays out the cold hard truth on page 38 – Parenting begins with YOU.  Not your child..  YOU.  I expect most mothers don’t want to read this, but guess what, it really is the truth.  If you want honesty, respect and communication with your child, it is up to you to obtain it.  Dr. Sophy’s discovery of his proven communications approach Chair Strategy is fantastic.  This strategy is based on mothers learning how to find the power within themselves to resolve even the most explosive situations with love, understanding, and respect.  His strategy provides a true look into the way mothers and daughters communicate.  Dr. Sophy tells us in Side by Side that mothers and daughters traditionally approach each other in one of three positions.  If mothers want to learn how to be on the same side as their daughters, they must learn a technique called S.W.E.E.P. to achieve this.  S.W.E.E.P. is a way to teach mothers (and really, anyone could use this technique in any relationship) how to first live balanced lives (physically and mentally) to become a better mothers.  A balanced mother is more equipped to be a loving and healthy role model for their child.  Once a mother learns how to S.W.E.E.P. up her own life, only then will she be able to help her daughter S.W.E.E.P. up her life as well.

So, you ask, what is S.W.E.E.P.?  Sleep stands for sleep, work, eating, emotional expression of self, and play.  All five areas have to be more balanced, attended to, and not ignored.  How can mothers truly take care of their children if their own lives are out of whack?  Dr. Sophy asks these questions of all the mothers and daughters he helps, and ask yourself right what your own answers would be to these questions?  I know my own answers were quite scary.  So, if you need to S.W.E.E.P. up your own life, then this book if definitely the book you need to read to learn how to do so.

Sleep – Are you getting enough quantity and quality of sleep? When you wake up do you feel good?

Work – Are you fulfilled enough at work, even if staying home is your work, to be happy at the end of the day?

Eating – Are you using food to stay healthy and energetic? Is meal time a time for relaxation and communication?

Emotional expression of self – Do you let the important people in your life know how you are feeling? Do you allow yourself physical and emotional intimacy?

Play – Are you letting yourself enjoy life? Do you have a way to let go of worry and direct your energy to a positive place?

Photo by Bryony Shearmur

Dr. Charles Sophy has treated both celebrities in his private psychiatric practice, and treated foster children in the Los Angeles County child welfare system for more than twenty years.  He serves as medical  director for the Los Angeles County Department of  Children and Family Services, the nation’s largest child welfare system.  He has appeared on television  programs such as Today, Good Morning America, CNN’s Larry King Live, Anderson Cooper 360, and Campbell Brown, and on the FOX News Channel.

Dr. Sophy’s official website can be found here.  You can read his blog by clicking here and to view his Twitter page, go here.

To purchase your copy of Side by Side: The Revolutionary Mother-Daughter Program for Conflict-Free Communications, go here.

New Hairstyle Poll – Do I Dare Go Platinum Blonde?

Recently, I found my first grey hair, which you can read about in great detail here.  I’ve been highlighting and low lighting my naturally sandy blonde hair since I was in my early twenties.  I found this great photo of my last spiral perm, and it has my virgin hair color in the summertime.  I can’t stop laughing, because I remember Mick telling me all those years ago “I can’t have you walking around East Lansing like this.”

I’ve always highlighted underneath the supervision of Mick, my longtime hairstylist, whom I dearly love.  I even drive three hours roundtrip to get my hair “did” every six weeks or so rather than place my hair in the hands of a local stylist.  Now that grey has knocked on my door, I’m worried how quickly the rest of my hair will turn on me.  I’ve got to plan ahead, and after minutes of staring at the blonde hair style chart, I think I like yellowish-blonde hair with platinum highlights, just like Pam Anderson has.  Am I nuts?  I’m normally a more ash blonde in the summers, and right now I’m a bit more dark with my winter lowlights, not sure what this color is called.  I’m not sure if Pam’s hair color would look good on me, or look good on my hair, with me being an old woman of 39.  I’m pale as hell and have long hair, which damages more with bleaching.  Even my hubby has his doubts if I can pull it off.  He has seen my platinum blonde pictures from my wild period circa 2000 – 2001.  I’m not going for sexy here, my goodness, I’m simply a stepmom who wears pjs 24/7.  I just really like the look of really blonde hair.

 

So, I am asking for your help.  My stylist Mick has his own ideas, but I need a neutral party weighing in whether or not I can pull of Pam’s look, minus the huge fake tubes, skinny body, fake tan, and fake lips.  Please, vote below, and share any thoughts on my color choice in the comments.

The Old Man and the Sea in Grand Haven, Michigan

This picture was taken in Grand Haven, Michigan on a freezing cold day last month.  I took it with my Nikon Digital SLR D80.  Hubby was off do to the holiday, so we decided to do a one day road trip in Michigan, and he was kind enough to drive me to the west side of the state to photograph three lighthouses.

Not only was it freezing cold, but the entire pier and railings from the sand all the way up to the lighthouse was covered in ice.  The railings were probably covered in ice around four inches thick, and quite beautiful to photograph.  I was disappointed that I couldn’t walk down the pier to get close to the lighthouse to photograph it, but my husband and I both knew it was better for me to stay alive rather than get a close up of the lighthouse, and plunge into the icy water to my possible death as I’m a total klutz.  So we played around on the beach, and walked to the shoreline.  My hubby had to feel how cold the water was so that he could let me know how deadly falling in that water would have been, had I dared it, like I had done the last lighthouse.  It was cloudy off and on all day, but at this moment, the sun had broken through the clouds to give me this shot, which I love, not only for its beauty, but because it captures my husband’s nature perfectly – inquisitive yet cautious.

I’m Gonna Wash That Grey Right Out Of My Hair

I’m not proud of this, but even since I turned 30 I have studied my hair daily to check for greys.  Perhaps I’m a little obsessive about it.  Perhaps I haven’t missed a day of searching for greys in over nine years.  I have been praying that my hair would stay blonde until after I turned 40.  Going grey is one of my worst fears in the aging process.  I have enjoyed not worrying about dying my hair.  Today I found my first grey hair (actually two) and I am DEVESTATED.  I am only 39 years old!  Aggrrhhh!!!

The little bugger popped up in the front, where my new hair growth is coming in after I lost a bunch of hair last fall due to stress and low thyroid issues.  I had to laugh after I took this picture, because I know I’m being silly.  Many women I know went grey early, even in their twenties, and while I understand that getting older is a fact of life, I don’t like it AT ALL.  I’ve always looked youthful, and there is no way I’m going to keep my hair grey.  I’m debating about going platinum blonde, should I do it?  This is the lightest my hair gets now, as I get lowlights in the winter.  This is from early September, with my highlights from the salon and the sun.

I have only gotten my hair highlighted professionally, I’ve never dyed it myself.  I had a brief 9 month period where I was a platinum blonde, but I had Micky my stylist dye it for me during that time.  I couldn’t find a good hair picture quickly, so here is one of me at Ceasars Palace in my platinum days.

I am incapable of even painting my own fingernails, so I will have to have him dye it for me again.  Do any of you ladies out there also get highlights when you dye your hair?  I’d like to, but I don’t want to fry my hair out.  Tell me about your hair dye experiences, I need to prepare myself for worst-case scenarios here.  Also, I’d love to hear how old all of you were when you found your first grey hair.

The 5th Safest City in America Will Slash Nearly 50 Police Officer Jobs

Troy, Michigan was recently hailed the fifth safest city in America, yet voters refused to raise their taxes last night to keep it that way.  I’m curious as to why anyone who lived there would vote to lay off 47 police officers, and close their only library, nature center, community center and museum?  Not only has Troy been ranked the 5th safest city in the nation, but it is also known as the safest city in Michigan.  In 2008, the city was even ranked 22nd on a list of “Best Places to Live” in the U.S. by CNN Money, based on the quality of its quality of education, economic strength, housing, and recreational opportunities.  The kicker is that it was also recently ranked as the fourth most affordable U.S. city with a median household income of $90,000.  Residents had their taxes lowered last year, so why would they then turn around and refuse to pass a 1.9 millage that would increased their taxes between $50 – $190 a year, based on the value of their homes?  The hike would have raised about $9.1 million the first year alone.

I think part of the reason is that many people were fooled into believing that their taxes were going to be raised by 29%.  Perhaps that is why the city had posted this myth-buster on their website, which you can view here.  Or, just read the following information, which I found on the library’s website:

• The average City of Troy tax bill in 2009 was $1,114.
• The average City of Troy tax bill in 2010 will be $956 without the proposed millage; a decrease of $158.
• The average City of Troy tax bill in 2010 will be $1,152 with the proposed millage; an increase of $38.

Oakland County, the county in which Troy is a part of, used to be the third richest county in America.  To put that information into the simplest terms for you reality show fans, there were talks of doing a Real Housewives of Oakland County.  The people who live in Troy are for the most part, rich.  Only 2% live below the poverty line.  And by rich I mean a median family income of $101,000.  In comparison, during the same year (2007) this information was gathered, the typical U.S. household income was around $44,000.  So, the people of Troy can afford to pay a little more in taxes, in my humble opinion.

In today’s age of the internet, I see no reasons for voters to remain ignorant and make decisions like this.  I realize people don’t want to pay taxes, but look at what you get in return for your tax dollars in Troy.  Sure, everyone in Michigan is hurting, people have been getting laid off for years now, and we have some of the highest unemployment rates in America.  I myself was laid off five months ago, and haven’t had a single job offer yet.  We live very modestly, we even share one car, yet I would vote yes, despite my being hit hard by the economy.  Because I can cut $39 – $190 from my yearly budget in a heartbeat.  $39 is one less movie a year for the family.  $190 can be saved but cutting $15 a month, one less pizza night a month, or three less lunches at fast food places.  I’m smart enough to know that when cops leave, the criminals move in and ruin the neighborhoods.  Hello!  Why wouldn’t these people vote to keep their families safe?  Vote to keep recreation programs running?  Vote to keep one of the busiest and largest libraries in the state open?  Not only does the city of Troy have 15% of fiction books out at a time, but they offers a ton of free programs, such as the grant writing class I took last fall.  All I needed was my library card, but had I took that class anywhere else, it would have cost me $400.  My heart hurts today, thinking of all of those children and adults in the days to come who will never use that library again.

As a former civil servant, I must rant here a little bit.  Hey, I’m entitled, this is after all my blog, thus my opinions.  I am tired of hearing people complain about how we civil servants need our benefits cuts, or how we need our pay cut, and how we do nothing and drain the system.  I was not that lazy or evil woman you encountered once.  I was the person whose work was replaced by four people when she lost her job.  I went years without a raise and saw my benefits get cut three years in a row.  I watched as my workplace shrank and my responsibilities grew.  I never complained about having more work to do without more pay.  There really are those of us who care about the citizens we serve, who on average make $10,000 – 20,000 less than others who work non-government jobs with the same level of education (Yes, some of us are really educations) and the perks of better health care make up that wage gap for us.  I took an $8,000 pay cut to take my civil service job.  I passed up my annual Christmas bonus, my free meals, my free soft drinks, candy, bagels and espresso machine.  I had to bring my own tissues, band aids, and cleaning products to my job, and I didn’t mind doing it.  I got a holiday luncheon each year, but it was on my bosses dime, not the governments.  You can’t expert people to serve you correctly if you don’t give them any value.  Look at what waitresses make – I waited tables for many years.  I made more when I was 25 than when I was 38.  That is a sad fact of life.  Actually, I made more than what some Police Officers make.  And I never saved a single life, or helped a single person.  I just got them drunk.

Troy is 33 square miles and just minutes from the city of Detroit, MI and can be reached by I-75 and an airport.

Troy has two major malls, and plenty of businesses to rob.  Criminals, let me welcome you to the city of opportunity.  At least one industry in Michigan will be seeing a job growth.

Please share your thoughts in a comment below; but if you know me in real life, please REMEMBER my identity and personal life is PRIVATE here on this blog, so make sure not to post personal questions/thoughts to me here. 

 

Thanks, 

Ghetto Girl