Airport Etiquette, Ghetto Style …

So, I just got back from Boston last night, and while I had fun, took a ton of pictures with my Nikon D80, ate plenty of food (Yeah, I weighed in 5 pounds heavier at the doctors today) and saw friggin’ WHALES, what I have to blog first about is HOW RUDE PEOPLE IN AIRPORTS REALLY ARE.

OMG, I seriously was killing someone at the airport.  Here are my special moments that would make Emily Post roll over in her grave  (Wait, is she alive still?  Who knows):

1. Get out of my way.  Seriously.  I will and have plowed people down before.  Just read my angry rants on grocery shopping.  My rule is this: If you are a businessman on blue tooth, or god forbid, a blackberry, you better move for me if you see me lugging a leather coat, 2 suitcases, and wearing bulky leg braces.  If I see eye contact and say excuse me loudly and you don’t move, I’ll check your ass.  And I had fun doing it, too, and even at my fancy hotel as well.  You don’t want me body checking you, as I used to be a bouncer, and I know how to hurt you.  I did this at least 5 times, and the last time I managed to knock over the guy’s luggage and make him stumble, too.  Ha ha, my husband was kinda bothered by my behavior at first, but by the end it became a game and we’d both check evil business men.  You gotta love it.
2. Dumb people.  If the flight attendant makes an announcement, listen to what she’s saying.  Don’t make her repeat it 100 times because you were too stupid or lazy to listen when you needed to.  As a former flight attendant, I can’t STAND to hear a flight attendant repeat what types of drinks they have to offer.  It’s in the airline magazine, people!
3. Lining up in front of the gate when you are in the last section to board.  This, again, applies to you, Mr. Business Man, and thus most body checking occurred at this highly stressful time of departure.  Do you see all the handicapped people and moms and dads who need you to move out of their way so they can lug the car seats, strollers, kids and suitcases.
4. Giving me a 2 bites biscuit on the am flight, and nothing to eat on the next flight, either.  I woke up @ 3am, and had a pop.  By the time I ate a real meal @ 6:30pm (After switching restaurants, since no one came to take our order after 15 min. @ Bennigans, so I grabbed the manager and yelled ha ha, you just lost out on $30) do you think that one airline biscuit filled me up?  Hell to the no.  Let’s just do this: If you are sitting in coach, you now get nothing.  Don’t trick me into thinking I’m getting 2 mini bags of peanuts and/or pretzels and a breakfast bar, plus my own can of coke each time.  I plan on that shit to help my meds go down.  Thank you US Airways, for treating me like a guest in your home.  Bastards!
5. My favorite: A 400+ latino woman and what I thought was her daughter approach me and ask me “Is that wheelchair mine.”  I say “No, I think it’s extra, just sit in it.”  After the gate agent makes her move, she now sits in a new wheelchair next to me.  She smells, and is greasy looking.  And loud, and begins talking to me about her handicaps, and all her ailments, etc.  I play nice and listen.  But then the kid.  You know those kids like the ones Sally Struthers would save for the price of a cup of coffee?  Sorta disgusting, but still cute and hopeful?  This was Orlando, her 2 years old son, who stunk worse than her and had sticky greasy hands, long stringy hair pulled back in a pony tail, and had slobber and boogers EVERYWHERE.  Well, this boy not only grabbed my coat, almost ripping it, jumped in my lap repeatedly, covered me in slobber, and knocked my bag down several times, he also bugged the old man behind me.  Everyone in the gate area was watching me to see how long i could take it.  I thought I could do it for the whole hour, but I had to get up after I heard the lady tell the man behind me “Watch your wallet.  He loves to take people’s wallets” and go to the bathroom.  In my absence, the gate agent, bless her soul, took my new BFF’s close to the door, to get them away from us.  When I came out, everyone was looking at me, and I’m not lying, and I said “Oh my, I really think I caught Impetago from that kid.”  and “I’m sorry, but …”  A nice nurse came to my aide and offered  uo anti-bacterial wipes to clean my clothes and luggage.  She kept muttering “Oh, your new luggage, your clothes.”   It was horrible, but awesome.  We had a good laugh over it.

The best part: The 400+ woman and her wallet stealing 2 year old sat 2 rows in front of me and she talked to the flight attendant the whole time, telling her she witnessed a murder in LA, and she’s laying low in Detroit, someone bought her her ticket, and all this bullshit.  My husband got stuck sitting 15 rows behind me and missed this entire part.  So, moral of the story, keep your mouth shut, because no one cares, and keep your kids away from strangers.

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