For those of you rich snobs, middle class or even working class readers, I often wonder if you realize what life is like when you grow up on welfare. It’s not all just wearing Kmart clothes or not having Nintendo. I’m not sure why this topic even crossed my mind, as I’m busy as hell trying to pack before my big trip to Boston this week. I love to make jokes about my childhood, and even though it was painful and/or horrific, I thought I’d share with you some of the juicy tidbits of my former life. So, here are 10 random ghetto moments from my childhood:

1. Growing up in the “Mouse house.” If you’ve ever lived in a poor neighborhood, you know that mice like to congregate in dirty homes. And if you live next to rental house like we did, ever year when the families got booted out by the officer of the court, you better watch out, ’cause the mice be running to your house. We had such a bad mice problem that my mom used sticky fly paper and would have to replace it a few times a day, having caught over 3 mice at a time. Listening to the mice scream and squeal as they lay stuck on paper, dying, was not fun. My favorite – when a mouse jumped on my head as I slept, scaring me for life. To this day I sleep with a blanket across my mouth, because I’m terrified a mouse will “get me” again. I’ve included a snap shot here my mom gave to me 2 Christmas’s ago, to laugh about my childhood. That is real blood, btw.
2. Going to the dentist once in my life, when I was in 5th grade. My mom’s social worker, Mr. Zachary, forced her to take us. The dentist was such a jerk to me, and he pulled my face hard and called me a poor little bitch, or something to that effect. I was completely terrified, and did not go again until 6 years ago. Luckily, I have perfect, straight teeth and had only 6 cavities – and my dentist tells me my mouth is the best he’s ever seen of a person who never visited a dentist.
3. Identifying heavily with the movie “Pretty in Pink” and being ashamed about it. My heart broke for Andie and her situation. I, too, was an original, but poor outsider with good taste in music who lived in a rich people’s world. (Well, not exactly rich people, but all my neighbors dad’s word for Ford, Chrysler or GM, so they were all decently well off. Swimming pools and family vacations.) Hell, even as far as college I had the same brush off from my boyfriends rich friends.
4. Almost getting kidnapped by the Oakland County Child Killer. Perhaps I’m stretching here, but I grew up very close to where all the victims of this unknown murderer. I wasn’t supervised much, and I was at the park alone when a stranger approached me and tried to get me get into his car. Like a miracle from Heaven, my mom happened to see the whole event from the bathroom window a block away and drove live a madwoman to try and stop him. Thankfully I was smart enough not to get into his car. A few months later my neighbor Paula was almost abducted on Halloween. For those of you not from Detroit, per www.wickipedia.com “The Oakland County Child Killer was a serial killer responsible for the murders of four or more children in Oakland County, Michigan, United States in 1976 and 1977. The killer was also nicknamed The Babysitter, as all four victims had been recently bathed. During a 13-month period, four children were abducted and murdered with their bodies left in various locations within the county. The children were each held from four to 19 days before being killed. Their deaths triggered a murder investigation which at the time was the largest in U.S. history. The murders are still unsolved. Fear and near-mass hysteria swept southeastern Michigan, as young people were inundated with information on “stranger danger”, and parents clogged streets around schools dropping off and picking up their children. The few who did walk walked in groups and under the watchful eyes of parents in “safe houses”, where children could go if they felt uncomfortable. The Detroit News offered a $100,000 reward for the killer’s apprehension.
5. Having to sell my school lunches for spending money. Yep, I got free lunches. Very embarrassing. You’d actually get harassed by other poor boys in school for claiming it. I got smart and sold my lunches every day 6th – 8th grade. Sure, I went hungry, but I never ate as a child. Seriously. I was suffering from malnutrition. I survived on welfare cheese, wonder bread, and frosted flakes. This alone explains why I was skinny enough to fit through the milk chute until I was 16. and why now I have an over-eating disorder.
6. Having a mom who was bipolar and bought dime bags from the neighborhood kids and thus was considered “cool.” Yep, my mom hung out with all the cool older burnouts in middle and high school. Thankfully, none of them ever aired my dirty laundry in class. And for the most part they provided me with protection from other older bitches in school. 6th grade gym was a living terror for me, and if I didn’t have a girl known as “Doobie” looking out for me, I would have been slaughtered in that class.
7. Having to steal all of our toilet paper from local gas stations and party stores. I just want to give a shout out to Happy Foods, thank you for helping keep my bum clean all those years. You see, food stamps aren’t for toiletries, so you can’t buy laundry detergent, dish soap, or cigarettes with them.
8. Not having a bike as a child. OMG, this was a huge deal for me. A bike showed status and class. And it was a quick getaway from the perverts and drunks that hung out in our local park. I always laugh at how my friends and I would go for a “bike ride” back in the days. This means I jogged along side of them for several miles, and eventually fell far behind. It still hurt the day I bought my first bike at age 18 at MSU, only to have it wrecked 3 days later when i got hit by a mad Chinese man who blew through a stop sign.
9. Not having a daddy. All the other kids made fun of me for not having a dad, and for having a different last name than my mom. (She had married when I was 4, and the jerk wouldn’t adopt me.) Thus, hearing the word bastard was common for me. I even was once called a “blond n-word” by my neighbor, who was 5 at the time, so I know she heard it from her parents. Nice. Let’s not forget to mention how hard it is just not even to have a male role model in your life.
10. Having the cops come to my house CONSTANTLY. Yep, domestic violence and welfare go hand in hand. The police came to out house so often it was pathetic. They responded to everything from fights between the folks, fights between them and the neighbors, and the beat downs I used to suffer. I’d wail out my window for hours until they came. Then I was in big trouble afterwards, but somehow it was comforting to see the men in blue roll up. One time I passed the cops a coffee can full of dope, but they just handed it right back to my step dad and looked the other way.

Yep, that’s my story and I’m hoping you were more entertained than saddened by it. It’s a shame when plenty of kids in America go through this. And it’s hard to get out of that cycle, but I did, and if you are or were in my shoes, man, I hear you and I feel for you. Work hard and you can climb out that ghetto, too.